It was the one thing he coveted most, her attention.
Once, a long time ago, she had been his centre. It was a very long time ago, but she remembered it fondly and held those moments close to her. She was paranoid and afraid of mundane things, like the stain in the left corner, or the chill creeped over her in the middle of the night. There wasn't much that she could hold close to her anymore.
I will always love you, I have no choice on that matter, but I don't have to like you.
Her face was lined with bitterness, her voice cracking with sorrow. Every muscle in her body straining against her heart. Oh he was stubborn! And even in her anger she felt a cold sense of pride that was seeping through her body. He was stubborn just like her. He was going to marry her anyway, she could see it. But she needed him to see all the negative things that were going to be said. She needed to play the devil's advocate. She needed to open his eyes.
She never wanted to be estranged or cut off. She wanted to be the one to give him the support, and all the help that he needed. But things never do work out the way that you want them to. You can't always get what you want, so goes the song.
And now she had to sit aside, watching him and his famiy from afar. Hearing about his every move, worrying whether he might fall and need her. She was distraught. Why didn't he call? She wailed to herself when she heard he was scraping by with that new wife of his. Why didn't he call? Her heart filled with longing when she saw his newborn. And despite her warnings, despite her best efforts to protect him, it happened anyway.
She left him. She left him after countless nights of arguments and tears, after she had been rejected again and again, and couldn't understand how he could be so flippant, so damned complacent about the entire thing.
And here was the outcome, plain and simple. She had been right. She had been right from the start, that a 20something year old girl from a different background, a different class, will never fit into his cookie-cutter simple life. All he wanted was to have a happy family. She knew that. As his mother, she saw into his soul. She knew exactly what he was thinking and where he wanted to be.
So with him sitting before her on the sofa, she tried not to let her feelings show. She tried hide her hope and her happiness that he was finally back into her life. That once again, she mattered to him again.
"Its okay, we don't have to talk about what happened," she offered him a release.
"I'm a wreck mum. I have no one to turn to," he crumbled in front of her. "She wants half the house."
"That's ridiculous. Don't worry, I know some people, we'll sort this out," she took his hand. "I know its hard."
And help him she did. She set the wheels in motion for settlement without going to court. She put aside some money every month for her grandson that she never held. She also tried hard to put aside the feeling of regret and betrayal, but none of that mattered more than having him back into the fold.
Then one morning she received a call. It was her, asking if she would like to meet for coffee.
"I don't think there's anything left to discuss," she said stiffly.
"I just wanted to set the record straight. I know you always thought I was bad news."
"You were," there was no room left for doubt in her mind. "You smoked, dressed like a slut and came from the wrong side of the river. And then you left him just when he needed you most."
"I left him because he spent half the time systematically drinking and fucking his way through the entire company!" her eyes flashed in anger. "When he promised to help support Aiden I thought he still cared, but I haven't seen a penny."
Its a curious thing when your beliefs are shattered. When your trust and faith in the one person you thought you knew falls to pieces. She had raised him to respect women, instead he had used them. But he was still her son. Still, her everything.
And she was forced to do the very thing that she swore not to do. She stood by him. Because he wasn't her husband, he was her flesh and blood. Later that night, she confronted him, and said the words that she had said before to shock him, but this time she meant it.
"I will always love you, I have no choice on that matter, but I don't have to like you."
